Clarification...

So after re-reading my post from last night I realized that I made it sound like Nick was wanting me to go back to work so that he could do band stuff. We are both not that naive to think that they will make it. They do have a lot of connections and a pretty large fan base, however the reason I am going back to work is so that he can ultimately finish his degree. He won't be going back in January as he has missed the enrollment period, which is where I am struggling. We are making it right now with me staying home and him working full time, but in January we will be losing at least $300 dollars a month from the north american mission board where Nick is doing an internship right now. You can only participate for like 7 semesters and he has used up all of his semesters... which is ultimately why I have to go back to work. I know we could figure it out.. but we also do not live in our own home and rent our home from the church. We would like to buy/build our own home one day which is yet another reason why I need to go back to work. I didn't want it to sound like Nick was making me go back to work because of the band... when in all reality it is really hard to make it as a musician. I need to go back to work, but I don't want to. That's pretty much how it is :)

Ironically- I received my official degree in the mail today.... I literally laughed out loud since I got it during the same time I have been struggling with all of this :)

We also have other options which I plan on posting about in the coming weeks. We just have to sit down and thoroughly discuss them in length which we have not done yet. Hopefully we will be able to work out something to where we are both happy :)

Staying at home vs. Working

This is a tough topic for me. I ALWAYS said I would be a stay at home when I had kids. I didn't want it any other way. I worked at a daycare for 2 days and after coming home crying both days because the daycare was so horrible I SWORE to my husband that my kids would never be put into a daycare. He agreed so I just thought that meant that we both agreed that when we had kids I would stay at home. Apparently, I was wrong.

I haven't worked since December 2009. I quit my job at a childrens consignment shop in order to student teach and finish getting my Bachelor's Degree. Well, as we all know I got pregnant in January of student teaching. For this reason, I decided not to get a job this coming August as a teacher. I didn't want to have to do the back and forth with being at school, maternity leave, and then all the holiday breaks...too stressful on myself and my students. So, we decided that I wouldn't get a job.

Now that we have Kayden, my husband has started talking about me getting a job and it makes me upset everytime we talk about it. I don't want to leave Kayden. I want to stay at home with him and not go back to work. I want to be his teacher. I don't want somebody else to be his teacher. I want to cherish these moments that I have with him before he goes to school and has someone else teaching him.

It makes sense for me to be the one to go back to work. I am the one with the degree. My husband postponed getting his degree and started working full time in December since I was student teaching and could not work. I understand that I am the one that can make more money since I have a degree.... but I wish I was the one without the degree. I feel like I am being punnished for having a degree. I don't want to teach... and teaching is a profession that you have to WANT to be there... and I DON'T want to be there... I WON'T ever want to be there. I will always want to be at home with my little boy.

A lot of the reason I am struggling with this is because I feel like Nick is being able to live his dream of being in a band and he talks about how if he didn't have to work so much he would be able to do more with the band and they could tour and all of this stuff... but I'm struggling. I want to have my dream too of being a stay at home mom. I know this is selfish... but i'm being transparent. He tells me that when the band makes it, I will be able to stay at home. But by then, I've missed most of Kayden's life. I want to be a stay at home mom to KAYDEN.... and my future kids. But I want to be a stay at home mom to Kayden... not just the future kids.

I guess this is what you call mommy guilt. I know we will be a lot better off if I go back to work... but I feel like i'll be missing out on my calling in life and my dream for my life, and that's to be a stay at home mom. Why didn't anyone tell me this would be so difficult?!