Christmas!!

So, being December 31st I feel as if I should post about Christmas before the new year!

Like always Christmas was crazy around here. On Christmas Eve we had Christmas with one set of nick's grandparents and the rest of the extended family. If you remember my separation anxiety post a couple days ago, we saw it in full swing here. Kayden was asleep and I passed him to one of Nick's aunts while I ate. Well, he woke up while she was holding him and seemed to be fine. She turned him around and he was facing me on the couch but I don't think he actually saw me. He was just staring at one of Nick's younger cousins and then all of a sudden let out the LOUDEST scream I have EVER heard come out of the kid. There was no warning, it was just a sudden scream. I obviously jumped up since I have never heard that scream before and as soon as I got in his face to where he could see me he was fine. The beginning stages of separation anxiety... i think so. Then we went to Centerpoint Church with Nick's parents for their Christmas Eve service. It was a great service but a rough one since we were all missing little Avery. I, however, do not have any pictures of this because my camera battery was dead and when I charge it it only holds for about an hour so I am patiently waiting for my birthday to get a new camera battery :) I know his mom has a couple though so no worries, it was documented :)

Christmas Day we started at my parents house in the morning and opened gifts with Audrey. It was so much fun with her this year and I can't wait until next year when they will both be older! She enjoyed taking the paper off and playing with her presents. They were both spoiled with all the toys they got!




We then went over to Nick's parents house where we celebrated Christmas with his family and other set of grandparents. Yet again, I have no actual pictures of this but I know his mom does :) There we were yet again spoiled. Nick's mom bought everyone in the family a pair of TOMS. Even Avery and Kayden! I CAN NOT wait for Kayden's foot to be big enough to wear them. I think they should fit in the next couple months. Don't worry, the first time he wears them there will be pictures! Avery, yet again, was not with us so it wasn't the most joyful Christmas but we can not wait until we get to see him again and actually celebrate Christmas with him. I was reminded that Christmas does not have to be on December 25th, but we can celebrate it whenever the family is together. I can't wait for him to open his presents from us! I think he will love them. I can't wait for next year when Avery and Kayden will both be together for Christmas and both be old enough to really enjoy unwrapping presents!

Christmas night we went down to Paige and Jeremy's house where Audrey got to play with all her new toys and Paige made lamb. I don't think I have ever had lamb before, and she had never made lamb before but it was DELICIOUS! definitely a meal worth having again!! Audrey also had her "all i want for christmas is my auntie" shirt on so of course I have to include a picture of that :)


The day after Christmas we went to my grandmother's house and had Christmas with my mom's side of the family! This is always fun since there are so many people! Kayden did great! I was a little concerned since it was a lot of people that he doesn't see a whole lot but we didn't make the mistake that we did at Nick's grandfathers house so we didn't have any freak out sessions! :)



That night my dad's side of the family came over to my mom's house and we had Christmas with them.





Last but not least mommy and daddy had Christmas with Kayden. We had every intention on waking up Christmas morning and doing it before we went to my parents house, however Kayden slept for a long time that morning and before we knew it we needed to leave. We knew he wouldn't remember this Christmas so I wasn't upset about not getting to do it on Christmas morning.

We had a ton of left over babies r us gift cards from when Kayden was born so we decided we would go get him toys and wrap them up for Christmas. We got toys he could play with now and some for when he gets older since his birthday isn't until September.

Sleep Training Night One

So, I decided to try sleep training. Since putting Kayden on formula I thought we should try this since he has had a much more pleasant demeanor, goes a little longer between feedings, and is also 3.5 months old. Everything I read said that you can start sleep training at 3 months so why not.

Unfortunately, it didn't go so well. Kayden screamed, and screamed, and screamed. I can't handle the screaming. After reading other things, I decided to try the "no-cry" approach because I just can't do the "cry it out". With this method, I put him down after our bed time routine, drowsy but awake. I left the room where he was content for a couple minutes. And then the screaming started. I went back in there patted his stomach to try and calm him down. Well, patting my child on his stomach doesn't exactly calm him down.... it actually pisses him off even more. So I left again to regroup and attempt the "calm down but not pick up" routine again. Finally after 30 minutes I picked him up, burped him, and laid him back down. To where we started it all over again. Another 30 minutes pass, I picked him up tried to burp him and put him back down. After an hour and a half I caved, picked him up and he went right to sleep. I rocked him for a little bit and then laid him back down. He slept for 20 minutes where he then again woke up. I tried again for a little while and then gave up. He went into our room where he slept from 11-4.

I am going to try again tonight but start everything a little earlier, at 7:30 rather than 8:30 and see if that helps at all. If not, I'm postponing the sleep training until the weekend. Nick has to get up at 4 in the morning and keeping him up with a screaming baby trying to do sleep training is just not fair to him.

While trying to read other things this morning, I came across this quote from Dr. Sears website that really helped me.

"An important fact for you to remember is that your baby's sleep habits are more a reflection of your baby's temperament rather than your style of nighttime parenting. And keep in mind that other parents usually exaggerate how long their baby sleeps, as if this were a badge of good parenting, which it isn't. It's not your fault baby wakes up."

This really helped because I felt like I was a terrible parent because my child can't put himself to sleep or sleep for long periods of time. It's not for lack of trying. We have tried a lot of different things but nothing is working. We are working on it... he just hasn't gotten it yet.

Today is a sad day....

...because I think I am done breastfeeding. I have enjoyed breastfeeding and hoped to be able to do it up until Kayden was 6 months or so if not longer. However, I think 3 1/2 months is going to be our stopping point. Many people have told me that any breastfeeding I was able to do is great, but I still feel guilty about not doing it any longer. But it's not in my hands, as I really don't feel as if Kayden is getting full and eating as much as he should be from me.

It started about 2 weeks ago when he would just get really fussy in the afternoons or evening and just cry constantly. I know babies have a fussy time but this was just incessant screaming really and we could not do ANYTHING to calm him down. After an hour of screaming one night I just pulled out the formula and made him a 6 ounce bottle. I had just feed him an hour before that by breastfeeding, but Kayden guzzled the 6 ounce formula bottle and was content after that. I just thought maybe it was a growth spurt but that whole week he would continue having a crying spell and as soon as I would give him the bottle he would be fine. Through the screaming I had tried to feed him by breastfeeding but he would just pull away and continue screaming. He has continued doing this and we had just been giving him one formula bottle a day in the afternoons/evening because I had read that your milk supply can decrease at that time.

Then, a very stressful family situation happened (one that I currently can't discuss but let's just say VERY STRESSFUL) and I noticed that Kayden would pull away any time that I tried to feed him. I knew he had to be hungry so I gave him the bottle. Throughout the day he would breastfeed for a little bit but then an hour later he would be screaming again, and calm down if we gave him a bottle. I know that stress can cause your milk supply to decrease so I was hoping that we could just make it through and I would just try pumping and supplementing with formula. Unfortunately, I realized that this stressful situation would probably drag out for a while so I think it's just time to give it up. Everytime I have breastfed him recently he would eat, but then be starving an hour later. I really can't have a baby attached to me every hour to eat and I don't think it's a growth spurt, I think he just really isn't getting what he needs from me.

Today I feed him this morning (not knowing that it was going to probably be my last time breastfeeding so luckily I wasn't crazy emotional about it) and went to his physical therapy appointment. I feed him right before the appointment but half way into it he was hungry so I gave him formula. I kinda decided then that I was probably done. I thought I would try to pump every 4 hours or so just to see how long I could keep that up and just give him breastmilk from a bottle. I had a bunch of errands I needed to run today and was going to pump when I got home. I figured that by then my chest would be hurting and I would NEED to pump. The last time I breastfed Kayden was at 9:30 this morning. It is currently 6:30 in the evening and my chest does not even feel full. I guess that's a big enough sign to me that Kayden is not getting what he needs since I don't even seem to be producing that much milk. I also noticed this in the middle of the night. I have been giving Kayden a bottle of breastmilk before we went to bed and that has caused him to sleep a little longer at night. Some days I would wake up feeling full and some days I wouldn't. However, since the stress has added I haven't woken up full at all. Last night my mother in law feed Kayden a formula bottle at around 9:30 p.m. We went home and I ended up getting Kayden to sleep around 11:30 but I didn't feed him since he just had a formula bottle 2 hours ago. He slept until 6:30 the next morning, making it 9 hours just from his formula bottle. I breastfed him at 8:30 the night before (and he screamed an hour later from being hungry which is why my MIL gave him a formula bottle at 9:30). So I went from 8:30p.m. to 6:30 a.m. without breastfeeding or pumping. This morning, I didn't feel full at all.

I am sure that the stress that has been put upon me is a lot to blame for the reason that my milk supply has increased because I started noticing the "not full" feeling more this past week when things started happening. It bothers me that this situation has had such an impact on the milk supply and is causing me to have to stop breastfeeding, but it is what it is. He has seemed to be a much happier baby now that he is getting formula and getting really full so there is a positive to that.

I know you can't really tell the difference between a formula fed baby and a breastfed baby, and that people have been giving their children formula for years, but I really enjoyed breastfeeding. I enjoyed providing for my child in that way and I feel really guilty for giving it up.

Right after Kayden was born, I attempted to breastfeed and I was so happy that it went so easily for us. We didn't have many problems at all and I was so excited. I had told myself before hand though that I wouldn't stress myself out over breastfeeding and that if he didn't do it, formula was just fine. It wasn't the end of the world. But now that I have done it, it is really hard for me to give it up.

I know it will get easier with time, and that I can now be more flexible and won't have to work around the "nursing schedule" but I'm going to miss it. I pray my next child is an "easy breastfeeder" too because I really want to be able to experience it again. And hopefully, a big stressful event won't get in the way that time and I will be able to do it longer.

I guess that's just the way the cookie crumbles sometimes..

3 months old!

Dear Kayden-
You have learned so much this past month! It has been so much fun to watch you grow and see what type of personality you have. You love your mommy and daddy very much. So much so that you hate to be away from them in your crib. You do well some nights, but most of the time you scream and mommy has to put you in the bed with them. I know that you will grow out of this and no longer will want mommy and daddy around so I try to enjoy it while I can.

You have also started laughing out loud alot! You laugh when daddy scares you and it is so cute. Daddy will surprise you and you just giggle! You have an adorable little laugh. But you don't like for mommy to videotape it. As soon as I pull out the recorder, you stop. One day I will catch you though :) You also LOVE laying on your changing table. We don't know what it is about it but you will become this really happy baby when we lay you on the changing table. Daddy jokes all the time that we should just let you sleep there so you won't scream :)

This month you started physical therapy because we found out you had a little problem with your neck called torticolous. You are doing great with your physical therapy though. The first appointment you were not too fond of Ms. Kelly poking and proding you but once she started letting you play with toys you warmed up to her. We have already noticed a lot of improvement with your neck and you are even starting to want to sit up on your own!

This month you also had your first overnight visit with Nana. While mommy didn't want you to leave, daddy told me that I really needed some sleep so we let nana watch you. I missed you very much but you had so much fun with Nana and Grampa. You played and laughed and talked to them. You even slept 7.5 hours for them! Audrey also ended up staying the night with you so I'm glad you did so well for them.

I know you are going to continue to learn and grow everyday and I can't wait to see what the next month has in store! You will also have your first Christmas which mommy is soooo excited about!

Love you baby boy!
Mommy :)

Separation Anxiety

(Yes Kayden turned 3 months old.... no this is not a blog post with pictures of his 3 month birthday or his 3 month letter... i will get to that later! :))

I'm not sure if a 3 month old can have separation anxiety. I have always heard that it starts around 6 months, maybe 4 or 5 months for the advanced child, but I feel 3 months is a little early. Especially since Kayden doesn't show signs of being "advanced" just "on target" (if any of that even makes sense!)

If it's not separation anxiety, it's the early stages of it. When we leave a room and he is left alone.. let the screaming begin. It takes him a little while to realize that we are gone, but once he does he lets out the most awful scream and cry. I've just started noticing it recently while I am getting ready or cleaning. If he can't see me, then we have a problem.

And I'm not really sure whether it's separation anxiety or just the fear of being alone as he doesn't scream when other people are holding him or if we leave him. It's just when he can't see anyone and is left alone. (such as in a crib.... see where i'm going with this...)

The first night we put Kayden in his crib to sleep at night he did GREAT! I laid him down after he ate, he stared at his mobile for a little bit, and put himself right to sleep. He woke up at 3 and 6 to eat and both times he went right back to sleep.... but it couldn't have been that easy could it!?

Then the rest of the nights (we've been doing this for a week now) we have laid him down and instantly when we leave the room he screams BLOODY MURDER. Not just an oh i'll cry myself and wimper until I fall asleep... it's an all out "YOU ARE STABBING ME WITH A KNIFE AND I AM GOING TO DIE" scream. Seriously, if someone was to walk into my house they would probably run into the nursery thinking he was dying. It's miserable. We have tried going back in every 5 minutes to calm him down, letting him cry it out (doesn't work well when he starts off in a full out scream though), even rocking... as soon as you put him down the scream starts.

We started noticing last night that whenever someone would go back in there he would calm down, but as soon as you left it was "the scream" again. I thought that he was just having a hard time putting himself to sleep at night, hence the rocking but no. He can easily put himself to sleep. As soon as I pick him up from the crib, his eyes get heavy and he goes to sleep. I can lay him next to me in the bed and he will fall right to sleep. No singing, no rocking, no touching. Just laying next to me and magically he is asleep. Seeing this, I thought I just wasn't giving him enough time in his crib to try and fall asleep on his own. Trust me, after trying for an hour to get him to fall asleep on his own, I gave up. It's isn't worth it.

Then, all of a sudden I realized that he also starts crying when I am getting ready and I move out of his range of vision while he is in his bouncy seat. It doesn't go instantly into "the scream" but a whimper starts and then if he doesn't see me for a little while longer then he starts screaming. I tested the theory out today. Nick was in the shower and I was getting ready in the bathroom. When I went to spray the hair spray I closed the door like I always do so that the hairspray doesn't get in Kayden's eyes (he sits in the bouncy seat by the bathroom door). Seriously, as soon as I closed the door, he started crying.

So, my child has a problem with being alone. I've looked up a bunch of different stuff online and I have read where separation anxiety could start this young and you usually see it at first when they are going to sleep. BINGO. I guess we are going to try some different things and see what we can do. I really want him to sleep in his crib, even if he does wake up in the middle of the night to eat still. I HATE having him in the bed with me because I am terrified that something is going to happen. Co-sleeping is not for us!

Someone suggested putting something in his crib that smelled like me and also try a recording of nick singing some worship music or lullabies. We are also going to try a method where we do our normal bedtime routine, put the baby down and position ourselves where we can easily pat his stomach/ sooth him, but NOT picking him up. Everyone says that the first couple nights of doing this are rough but that it will eventually work. If it doesn't, we are going to attempt "controlled crying" at 6 months. They don't suggest doing this before 6 months as the child doesn't understand what is going on but you do everything normally and then when the child starts crying in a manner where you know he won't go back to sleep you go in the room quietly say mommy and daddy love you but it is time to go to sleep, and walk back out. I just really hope something works because right now, Kayden and I are not getting the sleep that both of us need!

Physical Therapy

Well, we just got back from physical therapy! Kayden did good considering his appointment time was RIGHT at the same time he was supposed to eat. Luckily, the first visit the PT just went over some things to do at home with him and how to position him when he is doing his normal routine. So while she was going over all that we fed him. Then, she started doing things with him and he was NOT a fan. Unfortunately, he's just going to have to get over it. The PT was GREAT with him though so I wasn't as stressed and anxious as I thought I would be. And she looks a lot like me so I think that helped with him being comfortable with her.

She showed us some stretches to do at home with him and she did just a normal developmental assessment. He looks great considering his neck, which she even said that it's not as bad as "normal" torticolous patients. He apparently just leans his head to the side rather than leaning and dropping (or something like that... she started to confuse me when she was talking about this). She was impressed with how well he is already holding his head up and that he would turn his head to the opposite side of the torticolous and keep it there with some guidance. We told her some things we were already doing (thanks to a friend who is an occupational therapist) and said we were on the right track. We have already noticed improvement with just doing the things that our friend told us to do so now putting in the stretches should help even more.

We pretty much have to have him do tummy time any time he is awake for as long as he will tolerate it. We also have to prop his head up anytime he is sitting in his carseat, swing, bouncy seat, etc. Doing all of this will help him stretch the muscle that is affected and strengthens it. We will be going back weekly until she sees enough improvement to where he will just need some follow up appointments to make sure he is still on the right track.

One of my major concerns about having to take him to PT was the cost. With Nick working at Starbucks we weren't sure how well our insurance would be with covering something like physical therapy. Luckily, we got good news today though. This reminded me that GOD will ALWAYS provide. He knew that Kayden would need physical therapy, and while we would obviously find a way to pay for it no matter what, we found out that our insurance is GREAT (in the words of the PT). Apparently, most insurances cover 20 visits for physical therapy, 20 visits for speech therapy, and 20 visits for occupational therapy. However, our insurance covers unlimited visits until the age of 7. We have a $300 deductible which she said we would meet pretty quickly but she said since we have unlimited visits we won't have to worry about getting the most out of each visit, we can just take our time and go as many times as we would like and she doesn't have to feel rushed with trying to make sure he is "back to normal" within so many visits. I should have known God was in control of all this before Kayden was even born!

If you need any recommendations for physical or occupational therapy... I definitely recommend this place. It's just for pediatric patients, and the staff there is wonderful! Everyone was very nice and helpful and LOVED Kayden. Even the other children there were so sweet! This one little boy while we were in the waiting room kept coming up to Kayden and patting him on the stomach and kept giving a book to Kayden. He was such a sweet little boy and was so easy with him. While I was nervous about the germ aspect, I realized sometimes i'm just going to have to let go. I can't keep him in a bubble, and the mom later told us that her children love babies.. so I feel like we made this little boys day by letting him interact with Kayden. I'm looking forward to getting to know the staff and other patients better while they take care of our baby. On the Move pediatric therapy is where we are going.. and like I said they are great! I am so thankful that we finally know somewhat of the direction we are going and that we do not have to stress over the financial part. We can just focus on getting our baby boy to where he needs to be!

I'm looking forward to our next appointment next Thursday where she will do more stretches and exercises with him. Today was more of an evaluative appointment where she saw where he was so she could figure out what she needs to do next. Next appointment should be more of her doing different things with him to help stretch out his muscles. In the meantime, we will try out the stretches she gave us.

It's also amazing to see how God puts people in our lives (This is such a random blog post... but I just felt the need to add this). We have just recently been hanging out with a guy Nick knew from work and his wife who is an occupational therapist. She did an internship in a place where she only worked with infants which is how she knew about torticolous. She has graciously offered to come over to our house to do the stretches with Kayden if I have a hard time getting him to do them. She also gave us a lot of things to do before we went to physical therapy that has already helped. I just feel more comfortable knowing that if I don't think that I am doing something right or if I am having a hard time getting him to do the stretches that I have someone to call on to help me. I am so thankful for God's perfect timing, and his provisions!