Today is a sad day....

...because I think I am done breastfeeding. I have enjoyed breastfeeding and hoped to be able to do it up until Kayden was 6 months or so if not longer. However, I think 3 1/2 months is going to be our stopping point. Many people have told me that any breastfeeding I was able to do is great, but I still feel guilty about not doing it any longer. But it's not in my hands, as I really don't feel as if Kayden is getting full and eating as much as he should be from me.

It started about 2 weeks ago when he would just get really fussy in the afternoons or evening and just cry constantly. I know babies have a fussy time but this was just incessant screaming really and we could not do ANYTHING to calm him down. After an hour of screaming one night I just pulled out the formula and made him a 6 ounce bottle. I had just feed him an hour before that by breastfeeding, but Kayden guzzled the 6 ounce formula bottle and was content after that. I just thought maybe it was a growth spurt but that whole week he would continue having a crying spell and as soon as I would give him the bottle he would be fine. Through the screaming I had tried to feed him by breastfeeding but he would just pull away and continue screaming. He has continued doing this and we had just been giving him one formula bottle a day in the afternoons/evening because I had read that your milk supply can decrease at that time.

Then, a very stressful family situation happened (one that I currently can't discuss but let's just say VERY STRESSFUL) and I noticed that Kayden would pull away any time that I tried to feed him. I knew he had to be hungry so I gave him the bottle. Throughout the day he would breastfeed for a little bit but then an hour later he would be screaming again, and calm down if we gave him a bottle. I know that stress can cause your milk supply to decrease so I was hoping that we could just make it through and I would just try pumping and supplementing with formula. Unfortunately, I realized that this stressful situation would probably drag out for a while so I think it's just time to give it up. Everytime I have breastfed him recently he would eat, but then be starving an hour later. I really can't have a baby attached to me every hour to eat and I don't think it's a growth spurt, I think he just really isn't getting what he needs from me.

Today I feed him this morning (not knowing that it was going to probably be my last time breastfeeding so luckily I wasn't crazy emotional about it) and went to his physical therapy appointment. I feed him right before the appointment but half way into it he was hungry so I gave him formula. I kinda decided then that I was probably done. I thought I would try to pump every 4 hours or so just to see how long I could keep that up and just give him breastmilk from a bottle. I had a bunch of errands I needed to run today and was going to pump when I got home. I figured that by then my chest would be hurting and I would NEED to pump. The last time I breastfed Kayden was at 9:30 this morning. It is currently 6:30 in the evening and my chest does not even feel full. I guess that's a big enough sign to me that Kayden is not getting what he needs since I don't even seem to be producing that much milk. I also noticed this in the middle of the night. I have been giving Kayden a bottle of breastmilk before we went to bed and that has caused him to sleep a little longer at night. Some days I would wake up feeling full and some days I wouldn't. However, since the stress has added I haven't woken up full at all. Last night my mother in law feed Kayden a formula bottle at around 9:30 p.m. We went home and I ended up getting Kayden to sleep around 11:30 but I didn't feed him since he just had a formula bottle 2 hours ago. He slept until 6:30 the next morning, making it 9 hours just from his formula bottle. I breastfed him at 8:30 the night before (and he screamed an hour later from being hungry which is why my MIL gave him a formula bottle at 9:30). So I went from 8:30p.m. to 6:30 a.m. without breastfeeding or pumping. This morning, I didn't feel full at all.

I am sure that the stress that has been put upon me is a lot to blame for the reason that my milk supply has increased because I started noticing the "not full" feeling more this past week when things started happening. It bothers me that this situation has had such an impact on the milk supply and is causing me to have to stop breastfeeding, but it is what it is. He has seemed to be a much happier baby now that he is getting formula and getting really full so there is a positive to that.

I know you can't really tell the difference between a formula fed baby and a breastfed baby, and that people have been giving their children formula for years, but I really enjoyed breastfeeding. I enjoyed providing for my child in that way and I feel really guilty for giving it up.

Right after Kayden was born, I attempted to breastfeed and I was so happy that it went so easily for us. We didn't have many problems at all and I was so excited. I had told myself before hand though that I wouldn't stress myself out over breastfeeding and that if he didn't do it, formula was just fine. It wasn't the end of the world. But now that I have done it, it is really hard for me to give it up.

I know it will get easier with time, and that I can now be more flexible and won't have to work around the "nursing schedule" but I'm going to miss it. I pray my next child is an "easy breastfeeder" too because I really want to be able to experience it again. And hopefully, a big stressful event won't get in the way that time and I will be able to do it longer.

I guess that's just the way the cookie crumbles sometimes..